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The study was carried out after Tim Vine’s joke «I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.» was voted the best of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: «The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny — but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
«It’s nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
«Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years or more.»TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: »Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!» The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: »The driver just insulted me!» The man says: »You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.»
2. »I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.»
3. »Dyslexic man walks into a bra»
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4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, »Shut up…you’re next!»
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag »I said to the Gym instructor «Can you teach me to do the splits?» He said, »How flexible are you?» I said, »I can’t make Tuesdays», was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one — and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof — fall in love — get married. The ceremony was rubbish — but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: »Pint please, and one for the road.»
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, »He’s trying to pull a fast one».
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